you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
