On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
