your parents love me but you hate me
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I didn't notice because vodka
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just had sex on a roof
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
