I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
