It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Randomize
