Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
