Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
