Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
