My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
