I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
