Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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