His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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