I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
