i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
