from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
