My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
