Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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