Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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