Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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