My sheets look like a crime scene.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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