Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
