cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
