Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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