pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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