I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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