grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
