Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
