FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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