Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
