Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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