And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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