I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
