Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
