I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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