your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
