that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
