Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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