Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
