im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
