I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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