Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
