What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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