im drinking this country out of the recession.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
