I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
