Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
