if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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