I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
