i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
