Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
