I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
