Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
